Dear Music Teacher,

Sorry for photoshopping your head onto Ron Jeremy’s body and photoshopping an “abyss” onto Ron Jeremy’s (your) d*ck. I really can’t figure out what it accomplished, but I think it was really funny at the time. You were kind of an a**hole, and you probably shouldn’t have let your students set up a dating profile for you online.

- your student

Dear Drew,
Sorry I threw that block of ice at your face and broke your nose back in 6th grade. But you took my lunchbox and ran away with my gogurt in there. You never touch a man’s gogurt. I guess I’m sorry that I didn’t at least give you some napkins from my lunchbox to clean up the blood.

- Matt

Dear Homework,

It’s not you, it’s me.  I’m starting to think that we should see other people. I’ve neglected you for this long, and I think it’s time we faced up to it.  I’m sorry, it’s over.

- Kelsi

Dear Joey and Brian,

I’m sorry I got so stoned that I passed out while standing up at your house.  Your floor was surprisingly comfortable until I realized it was a floor.

- Rob

Dear KC,

Sorry I had an affair with your husband. It was way before we became friends. If you want we can both have him at the same time. He would love that!

- friend or foe


Sorry I used your dental impression material and a condom to make a dildo, but it was a GOOD dildo.

- Monica

Dear AT&T,

I hate you. In the spirit of keeping this G-rated,  I will refrain from my true thoughts. U stole my money, you stole my iphone, and you stole my phone number and are holding it for ransom…..however, I refuse to participate in hostage negotiations. Enjoy continuing screwing your other customers.  SRSLY sorry that you suck.

- S

Dear Wifey,

I am sure you never imagined you’d have a bleeding anus on your wedding day.  I’m sorry, but in reality, it was your idea to try anal the night before the big day.  And it was your idea to keep going even when it hurt.  Let me say again, it was YOUR idea.  I’m still sorry.

- Johnny Lee

Dear Girls,

Sorry you never have orgasms during sex, really, it’s all about me anyways and you take too long…



Thanks for letting me borrow your designer jeans.  Sorry that nature came calling that night, and I got ‘you know what’ all over your favorite jeans.  I still owe you a pair of jeans, sorry about that.

- miss 'forgot her tampax'

Dear Husband who claims he’s getting me a shake-weight for Christmas,
If you actually get me a shake weight for Christmas, you can count on never getting a hand job ever again, even though, after all the working out I will be doing, I will be amazing at giving them.  Srsly Sorry.

- wife

Dear Dad,

I am gay. I never liked watching football with you, or throwing the ball around. Srsly sorry.

- your son

Sorry we almost killed you by getting us all stranded in the middle of the Caribbean Ocean on a $20 raft.   Peer pressuring you onto the raft, joking about eating you first, then making fun of you the rest of the trip was not that cool in retrospect.  At least the rescue crew didn’t think we were gay when they found three half-naked grown men straddling each other in a miniature sinking raft…

- Kyle and Rob


When we hooked up at the end of last semester, that was more of a “goodbye” sex sort of thing, not a “you should terminate your transfer from UVA, re-enroll and be with me” sort of thing.  Sorry, but I really wish you hadn’t re-enrolled.

- anonymous

Mrs. Julian,

I showed off my nuts the entire semester – literally – by way of free-balling in my short shorts. I thought you’d get bang out of that. Srsly sorry?

- Berns