You wanted me to tell you to come over to my place to find me wet and naked from my shower, and all hot and bothered, and all ready for you. Sorry but, selfishly, you haven’t touched me in any way for weeks now, while you’ve gotten countless bj’s. Sorry I told you that I was going to do it, didn’t, and you got blue balls. Srsly sorry, sweetums.
- Jonathan Williams
Nice black lady in the minivan,
It was such a nice day for you, perfect weather, driving windows down, and then you got pelted in the face with a football. I’ve never had a very accurate pass, and it was a total accident. Me and my friends were just throwing the ball around in the street, you turned the corner, the ball left my hand. Honestly though, what a shot, I mean, right through the window, right in the face. It was epic. Sorry.
Dear dead mouse under my desk where I rest my feet that I did not see,
I’m sorry for rolling your body around for about 2 hours before finding you. Your smooth soft body made me mistake you for a sock, but it was obvious that you were not a sock when I stuck my toe in your dead mouth.
- Charles K
To all the kids in the Galaxy theater, Dallas TX, at Finding Nemo in 2003,
While you were enjoying a classic family film, I was getting a BJ in the back row. Sorta messed up, sorta awesome, sorta sorry.
- your loving wife-to-be
Dear future hubby,
Remember that folder on your external hard drive with all the naughty pics of all the women you’ve ever dated? The one you explicitly told me not to look in? I looked through it the next day while you were at work. Sorry but, you will be deleting it, now that we’re going to get married and all.
I secretly made an audio recording of your orgasm, then ‘auto-tuned’ it, and I have been using it as my ring tone for the last two weeks. It’s awesome.
My dear drinking problem,
After years and years of nurturing you with precise care and expert attention, I hope you know that it wasn’t easy for me to leave you behind. I loved you. I really did. I actually have to eat solid food at lunch now. Damn wife and kids just don’t understand what we had, and they said this intervention was the last one they would do. I will always carry you in my heart… and liver… and pancreas… and central nervous system. Sorry, goodbye.
It was week two of college, we were drunk at a party out in the country, and I thought you were hot. Soon enough we were out back, stripping down behind a tree. The tree wasn’t enough cover so we went behind a shed. The combination of alcohol, college, nipple rings (nice touch btw), the outdoors, and HJ’s got us too excited to realize what that little itch was. Anyways, sorry about the next day when you no doubt thought I gave you some crazy STD. I thought the same about you until I realized it was poison ivy… poison ivy everywhere. Great story, but I’m sorry about that terribly located itch.
Dear Madame French Teacher,
I’m sorry I haven’t learned anything in your class. Every time I look at you, all I can think about is bending you over my desk. Even though you’re over 40. And you’re married. And I’m a girl…
- a silly undergrad girl
I know you are in law school, and you are super cool with your ray-ban prescription glasses, tailored shirts, and boat shoes, and I could never understand why you can’t date me seriously because I am just a silly undergrad girl…but, there is one thing I do understand, all your supposed “coolness” can’t cover up for your pencil d*ck. sorry.
- Dave E
Sorry I gave your colorblind child a rubiks cube for his birthday. My bad.
- Balls and Penis
Sorry you go and start bleeding every month. That must suck.
- Kilfgore Trout
Dear Grandma and Grandpa,
Being a poor student, $50 seemed like a fortune at the time, so I had to take the bet. But yeah, sorry for shaving my eyebrows off before the first giant family wedding in a decade or two. I mean at least it made a good conversation starter, right? Also, sorry to the substitute teacher who thought I was pissed at her all day after some friends drew angry eyebrows on me.
- srsly sorry
This is the first post ever for SRSLY SORRY!