- Creeped out ex gf
I’m sorry that I didn’t have the balls to break up with you and cheated on you instead… But you were a very creepy bf. Everything changed when I found you hididng in the bathroom while I was using it. Not cool. So I’m sorry that you’re a creeper in every sense of the word. Stop hiding in bathrooms.
I seriously was digging on you the moment I met you a week and a half ago, and I was super pumped when you invited me and my buddies to your Cinco de Mayo party. I sought you out at the party, and we were chatting and drinking beers. It was going really well from my POV. The conversation was naturally flowing and we were playfully arguing over some random thing so I pulled out my phone to look it up and prove you wrong. We were both looking intently at the iPhone screen as I opened Safari, and the first thing that popped up was a big picture of some porno girl getting railed. Dammit, dammit, dammit. I was obviously looking at porno pics on my phone the last time I had safari open, and I forgot to X-out the pages. I’ve never been so embarrassed and utterly pissed off at myself. Srsly sorry that you may have been into me, but now you probably think I’m a creep with an addiction to iPhone porn. Srsly sorry to myself, now that all her friends have probably heard the story, and they were cute too. Srsly. Sorry.
Srsly sorry, but just because you are like 96 it doesn’t mean you can grab my wife’s boobs and then act like you don’t know whats going on. I’m onto you old man… I’m on to you.
Dear Girlfriend from Highschool,
This is a two parter. First, to your parents, sorry we hooked up on their bed. Second, to you on the same night, sorry that after I spent like 30 minutes rubbing up on you and getting you off, you just decided to be tired and let me suffer with my poor blue balls. Then when I say “at least get me there too” you freak out and get all pissed off. I guess girls don’t like to hear the truth, but I worked hard to get you off, and fair is fair, so I was expecting a return on my investment. Sorry for expecting my hard work to be rewarded, I mean really, fair is fair.
Sorry I took a dump in your bed. It was payback, and you deserved it.
Dear College Roomate Gemma,
Remember that time I told you I tried it in the butt once? And remember that one morning you said that you couldn’t find your vibrator and I told you that you may have left it at your moms when you went there over the weekend? Yeah… About that, I kinda used it, for my… um other hole. It’s okay though cuz I put a condom on it.
Dear Dudes of the World,
My girlfriend has awesome boobs. And I get to touch them. Not actually sorry for anything, unless you don’t get to touch boobs on a regular basis. If so, sorry bros.
Dear BF Brad,
Sorry I broke your mini-fridge when you told me I was getting fat. But srsly, you’re pudgy too! Guess you better find a new place to hoard your hot-pockets. You should prob start looking for a new GF too.
Dear Dad, again,
I’ll also be taking most of those drugs you bought throughout the years, stealing a lot more stuff than the normal 9 year old, and I’m going to show your nasty porn stash to your then girlfriend. You shouldn’t have spent the money I got from my grandfather on beer, milk and chips. Life’s a bitch and so is your daughter.
Dear Girl I hooked up with last weekend,
Just got your bitchy message, and no, I don’t have herpes. I get an occasional pimple downstairs, that’s all. So sorry but, because you’re being a bitch, I’m not gonna call you back so that you can worry about it for a few days.
Srsly sorry for being such a weird kid. I’m sure you had your doubts about me, especially after you found my secret collection of G.I. Joe figures dressed up in Barbie doll outfits.
Sorry that I tried to believe, but it’s so hard with like 900 contradictions in a book that claims to be truth. I’m still trying…
- FUCK YOU
Sorry that after two years you’re turning into such a douche. Seriously, I don’t need you cussing at me and blaming everything on me that is 100% YOUR FAULT. Also, you’re a momma’s boy. My mom warned me to never date a moma’s boy. She also told me to never date a guy that hits…guess I just didn’t listen too well and trusted you too much. You’re almost 21, you live with your mom, and you constantly complain about it. Get off your dumb ass and do something about it. You have everything available to you, but you waste all of it. I’ll be packing up all your stuff you have at my house, and the gifts you’ve given to me. Next time you come over, you’ll see it sitting out on the curb. I’m done with you. Bye bye, asshole! Enjoy living with your mom until she also finally can’t take it anymore and kicks your ass out!
- Jake L.
Srsly sorry that I used to use my dirty undershirts to masturbate into. I’m sure you picked up on what I was doing, because you did my laundry for me every week, and probably noticed a strange frequency to my crusty white tees. Thanks for never saying anything.