- not into horse porn
I’m sorry that I continuously tell everyone about our terrible [unintentionally hysterical] first date. Who admits to liking horse porn on a date? I hear you’re married now… I hope your wife is human.
The girls of Tri-Delta,
Sorry you found me passed out naked in your chapter room. Really sorry that it was ‘parents weekend’ and you were giving the big tour.
To Ginny, the random girl I messed around with in the Dominican Republic,
Sorry I bailed before getting you off, right after you finished giving me an HJ in the ocean surf. That was pretty cool. Honestly though, I wasn’t going anywhere near your snap-dragon after you told me I could do you “raw-dog” because I didn’t have a condom. How many other guys have you said that to?
- Julie Peterson
Sorry my cat attacked you, and managed to claw your junk. He was a rescue and you were dangling that little toy way to close to your crotch.
Dear hot Australian I met in Spain,
When you asked me if I wanted to “experience you” you should have mentioned that I was also going to experience Chlamydia. Please say sorry (in a sexy Australian accent).
- ryan H
Dear Mom and Dad,
Sorry about giving our family computer about 45 different viruses from the age of 12 to 16. Don’t blame me, blame the new and exciting world of free internet porn and masturbation.
- New Me
Dear Old Me,
I know you’ve got high hopes and everything, but it might be a good idea to just put those away and start getting accustomed to dollar menus and internet porn. The real world sucks.
- anonymous Dad
You are the product of an expired wallet condom, 4 beers, and about 12 shots of vodka. I met your mother on the twelfth shot. As you guessed it, my trusty wallet condom broke about 3 hours later when we hooked up. We didn’t have plan B back then, good thing for you. You’ll probably never know the truth, sorry.
- your daughter
Sorry I walked in on you and dad humping, but I thought you were really sick and vomiting or something. 20 years later, I still haven’t heard noises like that again, ever – not even on animal planet.
- Unsatisfied, Soon-to-be-Single Girl
To my boyfriend,
I’m sorry I’ve seriously been considering breaking up with you. But srsly…I’m tired of being a virgin. Tired of waiting for marriage. And even though we don’t have sex…YOU STILL DON’T WANT TO SLEEP WITH ME? Really. All I want is a nice cuddle at night. No hanky panky. Sorry you don’t have any balls and are still worried about what your mother would think. YOU’RE TWENTY DAMN YEARS OLD! GROW A PAIR AND MOVE OUT!
- white people
Dear Black People in America,
I am terribly sorry that you were subjugated, treated unfairly, and owned as slaves. That being said, no one alive is guilty of owning slaves. The most racist people I have ever seen in my modern day life have been black, not white. Seriously sorry, but get over it and let’s all move on.
- Brandon M
I‘m sorry I texted you that I wanted to “do you in the a** like I did last weekend at Johnny B’s party.” I promise to never date anyone with the same name as you ever again.
Dear dude at ACL,
Sorry I stole your sandals. I was really high, and something impelled me to grab your sandals, dance with them, and take them with me. You were unaware of this, cuz I am sneaky. Still, that sucks, they were rainbows. Sorry.
- Your Roommates Girlfriend
Dear my boyfriend’s roomate,
Not that sorry that I invited your “girlfriend” over to the house when you were cheating on her that night, you’re kind of a moron. I intend to take her out next weekend and introduce her to my really awesome and hot best friend. I hope you get the clap.
- the Giant Ladybug
Dear residents of small house in the country outside of Lewisville – Halloween 2005,
If you happened to look outside around 2 am, I am sorry for what you saw. A giant ladybug having drunk sex with a sexy Gumby on your front lawn is no site for honest church going folks that I imagine you are. Happy Halloween. Srsly sorry.