Dear 4/20,

Sorry that I am a fully fledged adult now, and I have “responsibilities” like paying the rent, keeping my job, and feeding a kid, so I can no longer partake in your festivities…. Miss ya, always and forever!

- anonymous

Sorry Jesus,

The first time I ever had a BJ was behind the youth church building, after a youth service, with two girls I just had bible study with.  Was this just your way of getting me to go back to church?  It worked.

- a sinner?

Awful Clients,

You came to me because I do something better than you can do it, right?  Srsly sorry, but every time you try to micro-manage me, knit-pick my work, change everything I’ve done even though you don’t know what you are doing, or call me at 9 am on a Sunday, an hour gets added to my invoice.  I think I deserve it just for putting up with you.

- anonymous designer-chick

Dear Drugs,

Srsly sorry that the governments of the world think they are strong enough to contain you. Fact of the matter is, I like you, and I like doing you, and I’m not gonna stop.  Actually, I think most people feel the same way.  We really ought to legalize you, all of you, and then put a fraction of what we would have spent on fighting you, into rehab and educational services…. but that will never happen.  Srsly sorry that you are so oppressed, when in reality you could do a lot of good for people.

- A User

Dear my Ex GF,

Sorry for imagining I was pounding your cute roommate every time we had sex during the last 4 months of our relationship. I came close once, but at least I never let her name slip out.  I should have dated her instead.

- Ex BF

Newborn child of my friend,

I’m sorry for an entire life of ridicule your soon to receive, and the therapy you’ll probably need because of the name you were given.  I simply can’t believe that your parents picked “Creed” for your middle name.  Mostly, I’m sorry because I suggested it, as a joke.  Not really though.

- anonymous

Dear Lara,

Sorry for pulling on your hair every time were close in bed and cuddling, and constantly breaking the sweet tenderness of the mood. But that’s what you get for pinning me down and popping my pimples (thou I enjoy the attention).

- Drew

Dear Brandon,

Not sorry for screaming at the top our lungs while you were sleeping in our speeding car.  Just a little road trip humor.  I am sorry that when you woke up, joined in the screaming but out of absolute terror, you also managed to rip off the side door handle.  Now we all owe Mitch like 50 bucks each.  While I’m here, sorry Mitch, I am probably not gonna pay that.

- Chris T

Dear Drunk-ass teens, late-night at Denny’s,

I literally rubbed your toast on my balls.  You think that stuff only happens in movies, you’re wrong.  You guys were total a-holes, and deserved it.  Hope the loogie-strawberry jam was delicious!

- your waiter

Dear Arroyo Del Oso Golf Course,
Thanks for employing me all those summers during high-school and college. Srsly Sorry that I cost you tons of money by lettting every kid I know onto the course for free, with a cart, and a drink coupon. To my friends, you’re welcome.

- coolest golf course employee of all time

Dear Lindsay,  Gingerbread house making day, Third grade,

Sorry I ruined the best day of the year for you, but I had a huge crush on you, so I decided to show you by smushing chewed up dots in your hair, and sitting on your gingerbread house.  Srsly sorry.

- Sean Melkins

Dear random Dutch guy,
I know we didn’t mean to get ridiculously drunk and horny, and I’m seriously sorry you then cheated on your girlfriend. I was visiting a friend and he warned me you were taken, but when you leaned in to kiss me I wasn’t able to stop you, I mean I was leaving the next day! It just isn’t humanly possible to resist temptation to that extent. But yeah: srsly sorry.

- the Girl from Luxembourg

Dear Brock,

Sorry that, as a guest at your house, I ate the last of your CTC.  Cinnamon Toast Crunch is by far the best cereal ever, and I couldn’t resist. Srsly though, not cool that I finished off your box.

- shaun

Dear Emily,

I was like half way through my racist joke when I realized it was a bad idea to say at the dinner table with your parents. Sorry about that, but the awkward silence after was epic.

- Richard

Dear Self,

As I sit in class, a guy next to me is sneaking drinks of malt-liquor from his backpack. Thanks community college!  Srsly sorry to my future.

- Geraldine