To my expensive crystal wine glass,
I’m sorry I’ve disgraced you by filling you with box wine.  It’s affordably delicious.

- jPhi

To Sunday,
I’m sorry I thought you were Monday, I almost left for work just now.

- Confused

Girls from school,
You made fun of me for years for being geeky, nerdy, and whatever else you could call me. Now you’re all pregnant with your second illegitimate baby, uneducated, and working for minimum wage or living off welfare. I have a kick ass job, a fantastic set of natural boobs, and will have a PHD by 25. Sorry you peaked early and have been headed downhill since you turned 16.

- growing up geek

Sorry I scared you. I only hide under your bed because it’s warm & snug.  Srsly, I don’t mean to frighten you and I try not to snore, but I can’t really help it due to my nasal congestion. I’m sorry about all your missing socks; it’s just they’re very tasty, especially when they haven’t been washed for a few days. They go quite well with dust bunnies & dried parsley.  I try to go to the toilet when you’re asleep, but I know you’ve woken up a couple of times and seen me – soz.  Anyway, I quite like it under your bed, so I’ll be here a while.  Love and kisses.

- The Monster-Under-the-Bed

Dear Little Brother,
I am sorry I walked in on you using the vacuum cleaner extension to jerk off.  I’m sorry that it freaked me out so bad that I immediately called Mom to tell her about it.  However, I feel as though we’re kind of even because this memory is burned into my brain, and now I’ve been scarred for life by seeing your erect penis, something I should have NEVER been anywhere near.

- Big Sis

Dear Penis,
I heard somewhere that a man can only masturbate 8 times in a 24 hour span. Of course I took this as a challenge, and went straight to wacking. Sorry for the pulled muscle, the rug burns, and the general lack of care. And sorry that I couldn’t break the record. Get well soon so we can try again!

- Jason P

Classmates from Virginia Middle School,

Sorry for being so annoying and weird in middle school.  Looking back, I wouldn’t had talked to me either.

- James B

Dear Shelby,
I never meant to finish in your eyes when you were giving me that HJ. I can see now that laughing probably wasn’t the appropriate response, but c’mon, what a ridiculous shot! You stole my sweater when you left, call it even? Sorry.

- Rob

Dear female student, 4th Period, Bio.
Sorry for googling your boobs in a way you would notice. Normally I’m good at eyeing them discreetly. But if you’re going to wear a really low V neck top and you have at least DD’s… Well, do you blame me?

- Mr. R

Dear A GUY, and men everywhere,
Sorry you only have one orgasm during sex, while us women have multiple before, during and after sex.  So no…sex is not always about you!  :)

- a very satisfied women

Dear Man at the Beach,

Sorry for running up to you and hugging your leg, but with your torquoise swim trunks, and your gray, balding head, I thought you were my dad. Srsly sorry to have freaked you out like that, but I was only 6.  I hope my look of pure horror and awkward dash away made up for the surprise.  Srsly.

- Not Your Daughter

Chrissy,
I’m sorry that I woke you up by putting my boner in your hand.  I thought you would be into it.

- Jason

Brothers,

Sorry I stole the keg from our own party.  I had the after-party in mind, but I was wasted, and it was only 10 o’clock.  I passed out, and woke up on my front lawn at 4 in the morning spooning the keg, and wishing it were a girl.  Story of my life.

- justin v

Husband,
A few kisses and a tug on my pants doesn’t really get me hot.  Seriously though, sorry we never do it anymore. I know you like to.

- Wife

Dear Hubby,

Let’s be honest, most of the time, I fake it.  Sorry.

- anonymous wife